Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Top Ten Things That Grind My Gears About Driving - Tirade #1

I've been driving a LOT this summer, and the resultant stress suggests to me some bold statement of the human race, specifically American society. Many of these go without saying, but still.

Let us start:

10.) SUV's - This would normally be higher on my list, but there's far more heinous out there in my opinion. What I've gathered from people driving SUV's is that they have a license to drive like they have nothing to lose. Granted, my metal-plated '93 Grand Prix can tear through those lame little fiberglass hulls like a hot knife through butter, but it can still be unnerving when I'm going 70 in a 55 zone and some baseball cap-wearing prick with a goatee goes flying by me in the passing lane. It's even worse on I-465 around Indianapolis.

09.) One-Way Streets - Bloomington is full of them, and I hate it. What would be a great idea on these one-way streets at stoplights is allowing people to turn left on a red light. Think about it: Bloomington would be a technically innovative city in that respect, they could lead the way for further practically adjusting otherwise ridiculous traffic laws.

08.) Volkswagen - This might seem prejudicial, but the average Volkswagen driver can be broken up into three categories: first, there are the burnt-out old hippies driving VW buses and old Beetles. They're not too problematic, you just have to think to yourself that the high point of their lives was Woodstock...maybe Altamont. Next, there are the gel-headed twerps driving Jettas and Passats; the way they drive you'd think they were commandeering a Ford Expedition. Finally, there are the stupid, stupid girls driving new Beetles. Check the back for Greek letters. More often than not, they are singing along to the latest release by John Mayer or Jack Johnson, oblivious to anything outside of their soundproof little death machine on wheels.

...and let's face it, Volkswagen's commercials bite.

07.) Asians - Nuff said.

06.) Frat Boys - Combine what I had to say about male Volkswagen drivers and SUV drivers, but with the thumping Black Eyed Peas date rape soundtrack rattling my fillings.

05.) Motorcycles - They're loud, the people riding them are either tough guys or plump 50 year olds who think that catching bugs in their teeth is adventurous, and if you so much as tap them with your car all of a sudden it's involuntary manslaughter charges, even though it wasn't your responsibility to put a helmet on him, thus preventing his brains from splattering all over the pavement like pink scrambled eggs. Never mind their tendency in the city to zip between drivers. Fuck 'em.

04.) White Boys Who Think They're Heavy Business - Honestly, knock it off. This isn't The Fast & The Furious, street racing is illegal and dangerous. Take that coffee can off your muffler, ditch the neon lights, and grudgingly accept that fact that it was only a movie. Welcome to the real world, where you actually have to work to earn money. Oh, also - fill her up with regular unleaded, please.

03.) Yellow Ribbons - Seriously, get off it. The damn things are made in China if that says anything. The war's a joke, too many people have died (and I'm not just talking about Americans), and it's time to hold some parties accountable, from whoever concocted the false evidence to lead us into Iraq right on down to the congressmen and women who voted for it. That's right, I said it. It's time for new leadership on both sides, especially since the Democrats cut a deal and delayed a troop pullout.

02.) Soccer Moms - I'd rather drive with a 15 year old girl than some doofy 36 year old Protestant mother taking her three little trained apes Hunter, Preston, and Mackenzie to soccer practice, piano lessons, Sunday school, or for their annual enema.

01.) Bicycles - There is a city ordinance in Bloomington insisting people on bicycles ride in the streets and obey traffic laws. Well, they're certainly all over the streets...but they don't obey stop signs. And it's easy for them to use the street when they're on one of the four streets in town with bike lanes. Honestly, repeal the law and get them on the sidewalk. Let them be the pedestrians' problem...they go a top speed of 20 mph, which can be a bit of an inconvenience if you're on the average Bloomington street where half of the pavement is clogged by a lane of parked cars. At least they wear helmets.



Shelley said...

Except for the Asian bit, I totally agree.

M@ said...

I was happy to read through your list and realize that I am not a gear grinder. My day has been slightly lifted.