Declaration Of War

Comrades, Statesmen, Fellow Dignitaries:

A preemptive strike against Willkie N1114B was waged by us in the early hours of April 1, 2008. A trash can filled with water was leaned against our enemy's gate. I had the honor of pounding his door, no doubt interrupting his unsuspecting slumber, before dashing to a safe point of retreat.

A sardonic response from Klein was sent shortly thereafter, where Operation: Water Can and its aftereffects were treated as benign tomfoolery. He mused that since I had given him water and (several months ago) shaving cream, when I was going to give him a shave.

It cannot be stated more clearly that the actions taken were meant to enforce malice, not an affirmation of friendship. It is far too late, I am afraid, for a peaceable solution to be met.

And so, comrades, it is with nothing less than the greatest sentiment of sadness and regret that I must impart to you a formal declaration of a prank war on one David W. Klein. Due to his unhealthy, alien-like physique, it is easy for one to assume he is not a formidable threat to us. In fact, one could guess that a war against Klein would be a smooth an easy one.

However, me must never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy. In yielding to war fever, we must realize that once the signal is given, we are no longer the masters of policy but the slaves of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events. Always remember, however sure you are that you could easily win, that there would not be a war if the other man did not think he also had a chance.

We shall go on to the end! We shall fight in Willkie, we shall fight at Lake Monroe and Lake Lemon, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the Arboretum and Dunn Meadow, we shall defend our livelihood, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight at the food courts, we shall fight in the computer labs, we shall fight in the Old Crescent and in both Swain East and Swain West, we shall fight in the Memorial Union.

We shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, my room or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then the Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by Admiral Barker's Fleet and Captain Skinner's Air Force, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the people of New Albany, with all their power and might, step forth to the rescue and the liberation of our people.

Upon this battle depends the survival of civilization. Upon it depends our own life and the long continuity of our institutions and our Empire. The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us now. Klein knows that he will have to break us on our turf or lose the war. If we can stand up to him, all Bloomington may be free and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands.

But if we fail, then the whole world, including the United States, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age, made more sinister, and perhaps more odious, by his refusal to wear deodorant. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if Indiana University, Facebook, and MySpace last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'

In these early moments of chaos and confusion, we must not lose our resolve. Remain steadfast, comrades! Already am I assembling the greatest minds in modern mischief-making. Admiral Barker, Commandant Leshin, Captain Skinner, and Brigadier General Nieman and I have all separately organized our plans of attack.

Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.

Casualties will remain a likely possibility throughout the conflict, but the ingenuity of our leaders, as well as further developments in prank wartime technology, will ensure that losses will be minimal. Guerrilla warfare will assure our men can encase his resources in flavored gelatin. Already our scientists have drafted up technology involving the dispersal of candy shrapnel, and a top secret group is working towards the development of a dirty bomb: a mayonnaise bomb.

And now, I extend my offer to you, my beloved comrades: join us, or remain neutral, at least in the theater of combat. Refuse either, and it will be an act of betrayal.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbound determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph. So help us God.

Yours,
Alex C. DiBlasi