Saturday, September 6, 2008

The one where you all realize I'm crazy and slowly, but surely, make your way to the door.

Sorry for the long, long delay in my return to this beloved site. Move-in was a busy, busy time. More importantly, my computer doesn't have Internet (I'm typing this entry from Shelley's computer). It's also been a busy week.

Regarding the beach trip...all I really want to say right now is I left with mixed feelings. Eric griped too much about life. He seriously said at one point that he "sound(s) like someone who has seen the horrors of war and lived to tell about it." He's 23. A year younger than my brother Eric, and he's saying that with a roof over his head, never going to bed hungry...I'm sorry, but that was ridiculous. All that's wrong is he has a shitty job.

He and Graham both are the kind of guys who - to use a crude metaphor - would shit their pants and then spend hours complaining about the smell.

Speaking of Graham, he went to the hospital Wednesday for foot fungus because he doesn't change socks...and apparently we have bedbugs? I forgot this was 1357 and not 2008. Moreover, he was confused about whether or not they can spread. He said no, but our neighbors said yes. So yeah...fucking awesome.

Pretty sure it's a ticking time bomb before I move the Hell out.

Being a G.A. is a surprisingly fun job.

I met a guy who got in touch with me over Facebook because he was interested in the Rock & Roll history program. He's really friendly and eager to hear new sounds. It's cool to be the older guy who's been around a bit and knows the ropes, much like a very different Eric was to me my sophomore year, my brother Eric was my freshman get the drift, circle of life, etc.

The last thing, and if there is one thing I want you to have inside your mind as you leave a comment and move on...I had a fantastically realistic dream. More importantly, and this is something I have NEVER had happen to me before, it involved a dream within a dream.

Without going into a typical Alex rant on the power of dreams and how some might consider it pseudoscience, let me just say this: I believe in the power of dreams, both as signifiers of the sub/unconscious mind and dreams when defined as a synonym for "goals." It involves both of them.

It's well-known that things that are on your mind will manifest themselves in your dreams. For example, ever since the beach, I have been dreaming about it in numerous variations, from being in someone else's house to feeling like I'm still there and exasperated.

The other big thing on my mind is the situation with Graham and his boyfriend Kieth (that's not a typo, point in fact he took great pride in correcting me when I typed it right/wrong in my phone). The first part of my dream involved them. We were first at some outdoor carnival, though it may have been a religious ceremony. It was in the hills, lovely rural hills with fog so dense you couldn't see the bottom. We were atop said hills.

A man (who bore strong resemblance to a short Hispanic guy who buses tables at Max's Place downtown) took me up extraordinarily high in a cherry picker. Much like The Who song, I could see for miles and miles... I don't know what this has to do with the rest of my dream, but I was then somehow in a mighty cathedral. The kind that has an interior made out of lovely dark wood. For some reason I was there with Graham. For some reason, Graham was frustrating me greatly and we decided to leave. As we walked out of the main sanctuary there was another secondary chapel - again, all with this gorgeous dark wood, like an English castle interior - but Graham was speaking ill of all religious people and more surprisingly being very loud about it. I recall it pissing me off.

At one point we floated up a staircase, which was where we found the main sanctuary's balcony as well as the chapel. But once again, it wasn't bizarre to us that we were able to levitate. In fact, in my dream, it seemed perfectly natural. It was also at this point that I felt like I was having a lucid dream, that is to say a dream where you realize you are dreaming and thus possess at least some control over the goings on. This is important when one considers the next paragraph.

We were going to leave, but he needed me to get my car to pick him and Kieth up. In his typical know-it-all manner, Kieth was telling me before I left which intersection I needed to go to (and here's the thing: I was somewhere I'd never been before, but knew exactly where to go. At this point, the city looked like Indianapolis around Circle Centre, which is where the four of us spent some time as separate couples before taking Kieth to the Greyhound station).

Anyway, I was heading in the wrong direction, and I could hear Kieth laughing at me. I'd had it, and I told him off and what a loser I thought he was and how he was/is destroying my friend's life, that he was dragging him down...when I started my tirade he was ready to slug me, but by the time I was finished he was curled up in the fetal position, as if frozen in place.

I woke up from my dream inside a dream in my boxers (or maybe naked - I can't recall), and oddly enough neither I nor the passersby - there weren't many - seemed to care. I had woken up in a little patch of dirt (it seemed like a garden, though a tiny one and kind of ugly) outside what I knew was Shelley's apartment. Except we weren't in Bloomington. We were in New York City - again, like me knowing it was Shelley's place, it was just known, it wasn't said to me. I just knew it - and there was a cinematic style jump cut to us walking up a busy street talking about life in New York City...and my attending school there. Whether it was as a grad student or a teacher was unknown.

I never dream about Shelley, though she apparently dreams about me just about every night. That in itself was strange. But in my dream, we were together and happy...and I was able to use my memory in my dream and think to myself that the stuff I had dreamed of being up in the hills and being in the church with Graham and telling Kieth off, all of those things seemed in the past tense. As if in my dreams I was revisiting things that had already happened.

There is a site I visit each time I wake up with interesting visions in my head that lists all sorts of potential things or scenarios you could experience in a dream - and what they mean.

Let's start with the hills/mountains, the ones laden with fog, where I was taken even higher on a cherry picker:
(Forgive the comma splices, I'm trying to get this out as quickly as possible and don't have time to edit these copy/paste jobs.)

"To dream that you are going through a thick fog, signifies much confusion, troubles, scandal, and worries. You may not be seeing things the way they really are or you may have lost your sense of direction in life." Here's the thing: we were on TOP of the thick fog, above it all...thus above confusion, troubles, and worries. From our vantage point, we could only look upward. Oddly, this ties into the next few symbols.

"To dream that you are standing on top of a hill, signifies that you have succeeded in your endeavors or that you have now have the resources to complete a task at hand." I feel like I am succeeding in life, in school and overall, and I have a stable existence that gives me the strength to keep trudging forth on my senior project (which seems like a brand-new one since my decision to revise it.)

"To dream that you are at a great height, signifies that you have reached one of your highest goals or objectives." Studying rock and roll history in college with the plans to go on and teach it someday? Me? If you have to ruminate on that for more than a second, you clearly don't know me.

"If you are on top of the mountain, then it signifies that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth." So here I am, ABOVE the confusion and fog. Achieving or having achieved my goal...and I am only taken higher on a cherry picker - the higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I have always been a deeply spiritual person, though not necessarily a religious one - as you may know. More importantly, I recall having a slight fear when I was lifted up, that maybe it was not stable, and more importantly that I was up there with a total stranger...not anyone I knew. Is it the sign of a gift, intellectual or spiritual? Am I afraid to admit to it, or rise up to it? This sounds like something I need to talk to a spiritual guide about, either in Seymour (*ahem* m@) or in Bloomington.

Moving on to the weird church where Graham and I floated:

"To dream that you are in a church, suggests that you are seeking for some spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some mistakes in the past which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, it may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do." See previous comment on the symbology of height. Choosing the second major has been a major detour for my academic career, and it has brought with it already some new, interesting friends. As for past mistakes that kept me from my goals - leaving Shelley, a degree in film studies...not working on my Kinks project as much as I could/should have this summer.

"Flying dreams fall under a category of dreams where you become aware that you are dreaming, known as lucid dreaming. Many dreamers have described the ability to fly in their dreams as an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience." And it was.

"To dream that you are floating, implies acceptance, letting go of your problems or worries and just going with the flow. You are experiencing new-found freedom. It also signifies that you will prove victorious in your obstacles that may presently seem overwhelming." This summer I decided to stand up for myself against Joel, and to just stop worrying about such mundane shit like keeping Shelley a secret for so long from my parents. I unwound from the jerk I was a year ago and stopped being so uptight about some things. I'm sure some of you are the same way, where at the time you think to yourself, "I'm fine, things are great," only to look back a year or so later and say, "Man, what was I THINKING?!" Have you ever?

"To dream that you are floating, but are afraid to move, suggests that you are questioning your own abilities. You are experiencing doubts in yourself." Once again, since it just seemed so understood that in the reality of my dream mankind had the ability to float - there was no fear of floating. I know my abilities and am comfortable with them.

Lastly, me waking up inside my dream, either in my boxers or naked, and living in a city with Shelley:

"To see sparse, weed-infested garden, suggests that you have neglected your spiritual needs. You are not on top of things." Odd, given the earlier metaphors of height and mountains. More importantly, I feel there is some way I could be feeding my soul...if only I knew how. Should I get some philosophy books from the library? I can't go back to Judeo-Christian philosophy. Do I need - and I ask this with all seriousness - to contact a practitioner of an Eastern faith?

"To dream that you are in your underwear, signifies a situation that has created a loss of respect for you. Alternatively, it symbolizes some aspect of yourself that is private. If you feel ashamed of being seen in your underwear, then it indicates your hesitance in revealing your true feelings, attitudes, and other hidden habits/ideas." Well, it was no big deal for me to be in my underwear in a public area - and it never really is when I have done it.

"Many times, when you realize that you are naked in your dream, no one else seems to notice. Everyone else in the dream is going about their business without giving a second look at your nakedness. This implies that your fears are unfounded; no one will notice except you. You may be magnifying the situation and making an issue of nothing. On the other hand, such dreams may mean your desire (or failure) to get noticed." Um, all the hang-ups about my looks? Yeah, I'm not an unattractive guy, but I still see the fat little twelve year old from time to time. And failure to get noticed? Isn't that everybody's worst nightmare?

"For a small percentage of you, dreaming that you are proud of your nakedness and show no embarrassment or shame, then it symbolizes your unrestricted freedom. You have nothing to hide and are proud of who you are. The dream is about a new sense of honesty, openness, and a carefree nature." I wasn't necessarily PROUD, but it wasn't a moment of "Sweet Jesus, I'm naked! Mother Mary 'n Joseph get me a towel!" And yeah, honesty? Openness? Carefree? Sounds like some guy I might know him, too.

"To dream that you are dreaming, signifies your emotional state. You are excessively worried and fearful about a situation or circumstance that you are going through." This dog-shit with Graham yo-yo'ing again and again with whether or not he's happy with Kieth. I don't know if it's a love affair with being miserable, but my attitude is one now of frustration - either piss or get off the pot is becoming my mantra. Anyway, that and the recent (supposed) bug infestation...yeah, that's on my mind. I'm constantly thinking about death and worrying that if it's all a hoax ("it" being religion) and we really do just's a frightening concept. My refusal to embrace that concept is a red flag that I would make a terrible atheist and could never fully reject my inherent spiritual beliefs in life after death. (So much for me thinking my spiritual journey had come to a successful conclusion...)

"To see a city in your dream, signifies a sense of community and your social environment." I'm connecting with new friends, reconnecting with old ones...just as I was worried a few years back when I saw my brother Eric as a senior, estranged from Newlin (permanently), all of his friends having graduated, still in the dorm, and missing Maddie.

"To see your girlfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with her and how you feel about her." Um, DUH! We were holding hands walking down the street (as we do a lot) and talking about how happy we were. Let's see, get out your notepad and take a seat in the overstuffed leather chair. I'll lie down on the couch and being waxing. Not whacking, waxing.

Anyway, read the entry. If it doesn't make sense, re-read it. Let me know what you think of all these visions.

The basic feeling I had when I woke up, other than the obvious "THAT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM?!" was the realization that I need to get the Hell out of Indiana as soon as I'm done here and get my ass to a city. And not look back.

If you don't regularly comment (Eric & Maddie...), you should, either on this public forum or through an email or Facebook message. I need to know what you guys think of all this. I'm especially eager for Shelley, m@, and Forrest to respond.



Shelley said...

I first want to say: wow, you remembered ALOT from your dream. That is so cool.

I think your dream was a relatively positive one. I do believe dreams tell you something. I think they tell you what you already know, but were too afraid to admit/think about it.

For example: You know there are problems living at your place (with Graham and Keith), but maybe you didn't want to embrace that fact because that means you would be losing a friend and it would also mean that the decision you made about living with Graham was a wrong one (after that whole to-do with your parents).

As far as getting the hell out of Indiana.....uh YEAH! I could have told you that. Not because Indiana is so horrible, but because you need to move on. We both do. I think you don't like thinking about it (but you dreamed it) because it would mean leaving your friends, family, and a familiar place. Moving on is quite scary. But I'll be there right by your side, just as scared.

You KNOW you are achieving your goals, I think you just don't like to admit it because you might be afraid that you are going the wrong path. YOU"RE NOT. And your dream proves it.

Again, I don't necessarily believe dreams predict the future, I just believe they point out the facts thus making it easier to make decisions.

As far as the church. I think you want to get back with your spirituality but are too afraid because you might be disappointed again (like with Christianity and Judaism).

Listen to your dreams, but don't live your life by them. Dreams also have the tendency to exaggerate certain feelings you have about certain situations. For example: I believe you DO need to move on to other and new places after college. But you might have a dream that tells you how scary and risky leaving Indiana might be. Well, it IS scary and risky, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

I wish I had these kind of dreams, but the only ones I have deal with things I fear (i.e. nakedness, rape, murder, etc...) - which I mean, seriously, I KNOW I fear these things, do I really need to be reminded of it? I also dream of eating lots and lots and lots of food.....yeah, I get it, I like food too much.

Sorry for this incredibly long response. I hope it helps.

I love you.


m@ said...

Ok, start with the easy, factual stuff.

I just read an article that bedbugs are becoming a real problem in the US, both in hotels and on college campuses. So there is a good chance the problem IS bedbugs.

I don't completely believe in the cut and dried interpretation of dreams. Some of it lends itself to truth, but much of it is just an easy way of vague-ing up the obvious.

Spirituality--I personally think writing off either Christianity or Judaism is a mistake. Your interpretation of the images in your dream hints that you have a connection there. A peaceful connection that had no conflict hidden within. And besides the whole dream thing, you have a penchant for understanding the spiritual. As much as you may not want to admit to it, the Lord has a plan for you. He's accomplishing things through you that you don't even know about.

Hills, fog, floating, & flying--All very cool. I have no complaints about the dream interp site's words. However, please realize that sometimes a hill is a hill and fog is fog. Fog, in my dreams, often is indicative of me being on the verge of waking--moving out of the REM portion of the night's entertainment. That cloudiness, or lack of being able to see is my head's way of dealing with reality pushing into my fantasy. And if we're going to take dream interpretation to the next level why not hit up astral projection. Perhaps you are actually leaving your physical body for short stints. Then again, maybe you're just feeling more at peace than you have in a long time and your mind wants to enjoy the metaphysical nature of your emotional freedom.

Graham--Seems he could be a subtle subconscious representation of some of the thing you don't like about yourself. Or that which you formerly didn't like about yourself.

Lucid dreaming is an area I would like to study more fully. This one is a doozy and will require some more reading and thought. These paragraphs are just a tiny portion of the things flying around my head--shot a wedding in Indy today and I'm kind of brain fried.

Gotta make a trip to b-town sometime soon. I'll let you know.

Scott said...

After reading this and talking to you on Saturday, it certainly sounds like it'll soon be time for you to move on from Bloomington. I could ponder the exact meaning of everything in your dream, but metaphors aside, you've done some obvious soul searching and seem to have a good grasp on where you are and what your goals are.

Perhaps I should start looking deeper into my dreams? The last one I remembered turned into some notes for a movie idea "Death at the Drive In" Oh, those 70's cult drive in movies...

Forrest said...

Reading that, it seems at least somewhat reminiscent of the Coleridge poem, "Kubla Khan", minus the opium and you actually remembered all of the dream when you woke up. Now, honestly, I have no idea what Coleridge was trying to write and as far as I'm concerned it was just a product of the opium.

But anyway, I reckon this is about you, not a dead poet. So, I would tend to lean towards m@'s thinking on dreams. They offer further insight to what you currently experience/think, but predict the future? I hardly think so. Not to say (and I apologize for the cliche) that dreams don't come true, its just my experience and luck that they don't.

On an unrelated note, I constantly have dreams about being in a tornado, they usually come up from the south of the house and about half the time they hit the house and I get sucked away trying to reach the basement. The other half they evaporate before they get here. Lately, though, I get caught out on a sagebrush prairie somewhere out west when they hit, but I always wake up before these can play themselves out. What's your site say about that?

As for moving outside the state, I say go for it. There's a very real chance I'll be living in Meteetse, WY this time next year. I figure a change in scenery wouldn't hurt me any and I know it wouldn't hurt you. Somehow I picture you living in New York City... funny that your dream also had that as a setting. I might be able to picture you in L.A., but you def. seem like you were meant for the East Coast. Wait, weren't we discussing this same stuff back in '05 when you moved off to IU and I started my year from Hell at IUS? Funny how things come around like that...

Anyway, I think that's about all I'm good for. Hope this proves to be of at least some value for you.


m@ said...

First let me say that I'm just jealous that my dreams aren't as ripe with symbology as yours (both Alex and Forrest) are. Other than my semi-regular flying dreams, my dreams are fairly mundane in a surreal way.

My take on a tornado, however, would be to say it has something to do with change or emotional turmoil. Usually our heads come up with a creative, and yet familiar, way to represent something its dealing with. Hence, dream interpretation.

Ok, now I'm just writing to see how smart I sound. Write another entry already so we have something else about which to comment.