Monday, June 30, 2008

100 Questions With The Author

1) Are you really ready for 100 questions?
Yes. I've got time to kill.
2) Was your last kiss a mistake?
No.
3) Do you believe in God?
Yes.
4) Who did you last say i love you to?
That's a need to know basis.
5) Do you regret it?
No.
6) Do you enjoy practical jokes?
Yes.
7) Have a best friend?
A few share that title, but there's some hierarchy.
8) Are you a boy or girl?
Let's go with man.
9) What is your relationship status?
See #4.
10) How do you want to die?
Gunned down while the chorus to "Knights Of Cydonia" by Muse is playing.

The video is stupid, but it's an amazing song. The chorus can be heard at 3:19 and 4:42. I REALLY like being able to embed this stuff so you guys can hear it.
11) What did you last eat?
Toast with black cherry jam, a hot dog with ketchup, and Strawberry-Kiwi Gatorade Rain.
12) Play any sports?
I don't mind soccer or baseball. I SUCK at basketball. I enjoy dodgeball and riding Shelley's bicycle.
13) When was your last physical fight?
It's been years.
14) Tom from MySpace is about to go to jail, what’s your first thought?
I wouldn't know, since I removed him from my friend list. Good riddance, he seemed like a tool.
15) Do you have an attitude?
Always.
16) Ever been in love?
Several times.
17) What is your real name?
Don Van Vliet
18)Do You Like To Read?
More like love. I read anything I can get my hands on, and not just books. I like reading people.
19) Are you gonna get high later?
What a preposterous question. I've got nothing against the consumption of cannabis, but I've got a problem with it getting a hold over people. But you can easily say the same with anything.
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
I've got a short list, but I never forget.
21) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
I'm an eighth Sicilian, and yet spaghetti is my least favorite food.
22) Who is your best friend's uncle's cousin wife's daughter's boyfriend?
Glenn Murphy.
23) Do you tan a lot?
Only if I'm out in the sun.
24) Have any pets?
My parents have two dogs, a 15 year old arthritic dust mop with bad vision and hearing named Jasmine and a spry 1 1/2 year old named Lily.
25) How exactly are you feeling?
Calm, refreshed, actually looking forward to work tonight.
26) Ever ate food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Who hasn't? And it's eaten, dumbass.
27) Ever eaten food that upsets your stomach?
Ha, ha...yes.
28) Have you ever started a rumor?
Only for the purpose of a prank, ie, so-and-so has naked pictures of himself at a petting zoo.
29) Ever had a rumor started about you?
Um, yes. Ever heard of a chick named (self-censored)? She's such a master of deception she almost convinced me of some shit involving my brother back in high school.
30) Are Barbie & Ken bad influences on people?
Absolutely, they convince children that it's abnormal to have anything other than flat, smooth plastic where their genitals are.
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Befriending certain people, joining bands with certain people, and a few relationships.
32) What are your political views?
European Socialist/Liberal Libertarian.
33) Do you want to have kids?
Someday.
34) Ever kissed somebody that name start with a B?
Yes.
35) Do you type fast?
Yes, and I can do so without looking at the keys or the screen. I have witnesses.
36) Do you have piercings?
Nope.
37) Want any more?
If I knew it would have zero impact on my likelihood of getting hired in the future, I wouldn't mind getting both ears pierced. I'd wear the tiny hoops only, not those bitch-ass studs that all the tan Greek pricks wear on campus.
38) Can you spell well?
Grandiloquently.
39) What do you miss most about your past?
Being able to shit my pants and not get laughed at.
40) What are you craving right now?
Well, I am in a constant state of craving sushi and pizza, even if I've just eaten...even if I've just eaten one or the other. I wouldn't mind hearing some Beefheart right now...


***Apparently we're supposed to write our own questions. Guess the author of this questionnaire must have gotten totally high, man!***

41) What is this song?
It's a rare version of a track called "Orange Claw Hammer." The original version is a capella, and can be found on 'Trout Mask Replica.' This version features Frank Zappa on acoustic guitar. I'm guessing this is from either 1969 or 1975.
42) What's the most recent album you've heard?
'The American Composer Series Vol. 1: George And James' by The Residents, featuring the music of George Gershwin and their spin of Side A from James Brown's 'Live At The Apollo' album. It's interesting.
43) How is your Kinks book coming?
I finished my chapter on the 'Lola' album a couple days ago, all seventeen pages of it.
44) Is it going to be on here?
No way.
45) Why not?
With some luck, that will become copyrighted material. It's also a LOT of text for an album most of you haven't heard. Moreover, I wouldn't want to post the entire album on here out of respect for Ray Davies, Dave Davies, John Dalton, John Gosling, and Mick Avory.
46) What album are you going to do next?
Muswell Hillbillies.
47) How do you feel about writing your own questions?
Kinda sucks, the mark of a very lazy person.
48) What else do you have going on this summer?
After this session of classes ends, I'll be in Seymour for a week, then Gulf Shores for a week, and then I'll be back in Bloomington.
49) If you had three wishes, what would they be: First wish?
For a time machine. Since I'm killing space for questions, I'll just go ahead and pretend this isn't the ONLY thing I would wish for...though, for the record, it is.
50) Second?
Well, since the time machine will theoretically allow me to meet Frank Zappa, John Lennon, and George Harrison, and I can respectively tell them "Get a second opinion on your urinary problems - it might be your prostate," "DUCK!", and "You need to stop smoking, it will have an adverse effect on your life", I can't wish for them to still be alive...hmm...
I would wish for $5 million dollars. Almost all of it will go into the bank, but I would splurge on a new car, cover rent costs, pay my own gas, insurance, and tuition. While I'm at it, I would spoil myself at the record store and get hard copies of all the Zappa albums I've got on my computer, never mind stock up on Beefheart, The Residents, and a phalanx of other artists on the "I've been meaning to check them out" list.
Actually, make that $10 million. Just in case.
51) Third?
For starvation, oppression, and religious intolerance/nuttiness to end.
52) Are you ready for more pre-written questions?
Yes.
***Pre-written Questions Continue Hereon***
53) Does somebody love you?
At least a few people.
54) What is your favorite color?
Impossible. If I had to pick: Naples Yellow.
55) What's your ethnicity?
1/8th Sicilian, 1/8th French, 1/4th Polish, 1/4th Irish, 1/8th Native American, 1/8th Dutch.
56) If you could change your ethnicity, what would you choose?
I would increase the French ratio and decrease the Irish.
57) Do you have trust issues?
Both giving and accepting (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID).
58) What do you sleep in?
Bed, love seat, sometimes the floor (the carpet is really soft).
59) What are your thoughts on crayons?
Love them.
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
"It's getting better all the time." - The Beatles

BEHOLD! A video with pictures of The Beatles that your humble narrator has NEVER SEEN BEFORE! (Hint: most of the new ones to me are in color, for b&w it's mainly the stuff in the first 30 sec.)
61) Are you secretly liking somebody?
Substitute "liking" for "loving," and substitute "secret" with "keeping it secret from only four people", which in that case yes.
62) Do you believe your ex thinks about you?
I don't know, and as cliche as this sounds I truly don't care. I'm friends with a few, but the rest can all hang.
63)How do you deal with people who treat you badly?
See if it's just a one-time thing, like a rough day...if it persists, confront them.
64) Have you ever betrayed a best friend?
Nope. Been betrayed.
65) What is your favorite flavor pancake?
Plain is fine, blueberry is good, banana is good.
66) Whats a quote you really like?
"Failure is nothing to get upset about. It’s a fairly normal condition; an inevitability in ninety-nine percent of all human undertakings. Success is rare - that’s why people get so cranked up about it."
- Frank Zappa (boldface his own)
67) Whats the last movie you watched?
Batman, the 1966 version...haven't seen it years, and DAMN it is full of crass humor!
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
Not unless I'm pissing in a bush or something.
69) Do you think your a good person?
I'll never admit to it. (By the way - haha, 69.)
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Totally.
71) Do you take showers?
Never. My hygiene is a combination of sandpaper and vast quantities of Tide.
72) Last time you had a nice bubble bath?
Probably when I was at the age where I was able to shit my pants and not get laughed at.
73) What is bothering you?
The fact that all my mail is being held at the post office because my name isn't on the damned mailbox here at the apartment. I just learned about this yesterday, and now I'm thinking this cost me at least one job interview.
74) Whats the closest food place to your house?
If Circle K doesn't count, then Qdoba.
75) Do you play the Wii?
No. Do I play with my wee-wee? Just about daily.
76) How do you feel about Wal-Mart?
Symbolic of everything I find wrong with capitalism and corporations...but man, they have everything, and usually at a low price. More or less a necessary evil when you need something at 3AM that you can't find at CVS.
77) What are you listening to?
I'm listening to 'The Madcap Laughs' album by Pink Floyd founder Syd Barrett. The best track so far has been "No Man's Land."

Syd Barrett wound up being an acid casualty, disappearing from the public eye after three years as a solo artist in 1972. Living as a schizophrenic recluse with his mother, he one day popped in to his old band's recording studio in 1975. In a moment dripping with irony, Syd had gained a lot of weight, shaved his head and eyebrows, and was unrecognized by the band. When Roger Waters finally realized who it was, he started sobbing. Lastly, they were working on "Shine On You Crazy Diamond." The song was about him, and he didn't know it.
Barrett died of cancer in 2006, living a quiet life (though this didn't keep paparazzi from hassling him) and rarely acknowledging his past.
78) Who has inspired you the most?
Martin Luther King, Jr. This was a man who stood up not for a radical belief, but practicality, a belief professed in the most fundamental annals of history: that all men are created equal. He went to jail defending it, and was murdered because he professed it. But neither the threat or state of imprisonment or the constant death threats stopped him. I admire such bravery, and hope I can only live up to a fraction of what he was.
79) Is there someone you want but can't have?
See #78. Why are so many of these questions based upon the assumption that I'm a lonely pothead who gives a rat's ass about Tom from MySpace?
80) When questions in surveys are missing do you make your own?
Uh, yeah, asshole!
81) Are you mean?
Sparingly.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
I don't own white shoes - I'm not Elvis or Pee Wee.
83) Do you believe in true love?
If I didn't, I would have a lot of explaining to do.
84) What is your dream job?
To spend my time writing about music, analyzing and critiquing it while documenting the lives of the artists behind it. If I could major in something like that, my life would be just fine.
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
Yes. I can look back and say, "I'm glad I'm different now," but I honestly think this is the first time in YEARS where I can step back, look at myself, and be happy. I'm lucky to have what I have, do what I do, and I know what I want in life. That's more than a lot of people can say.
86) Do you wanna change?
Great question, dope. I'm always open to change. I love where I'm at right now, but I hope to be somewhere else, wiser, and married in five years.
87) Who was the last person to make you mad?
Someone called me at an inopportune time and wouldn't shut up. I consider that a pet peeve of mine.
88) Do you like the outside?
"Animals eating animals, bugs eating bugs, it's all one giant restaurant." - Woody Allen. I don't really hate being outside, it's just certain conditions are really off-putting.
89) Are you currently bored?
Not really.
90) Do you want to get married?
Yes, but my proposal will be the most robotic thing ever. I will ask, "Would you like to share tax benefits, half of your possessions, half of your wealth, and at some point half of your chromosomes with me?" If she can hear that and accept...well, that's the true litmus test for love right there.
91) Ever fail a class?
I've dodged the bullet a few times.
92) Are you hungry?
Yes.
93) Are you thirsty?
*sips Gatorade* Not anymore.
94) What makes you happy?
My sweetheart, music, good movies, friends, and nice weather.
95) Would you change your name?
Only if I rack up a large amount of debt and need to skip continents. I would also grow a mustache.
96) What would your name be?
I knew it! You're with the CIA, FTC, FBI, FCC, and the IRS! You want me to divulge the name I would use as an alias? Nice try, butt-dumpling.
97) Are you paranoid?
Yes. My phone is tapped. I have proof.
98) Do you watch the news?
No, I use news sites now, giving me the luxury of skipping the puff pieces about the latest missing white chick or some smoke-screen about the election to distract you from the revolution in Chad or stories getting more press in other parts of the world.
99) What is your zodiac sign?
Capricorn.
100) Do you like Subway?
Yeah, but you know what I really like? Red beans and rice - it's waiting for me to cook it. Peace out.

Count 'em - FOUR songs for your listening pleasure: Muse, Captain Beefheart, Syd Barrett, and The Beatles. Let me know what you think.

Alex

PS - m@, in response to your comment, I TOTALLY agree. It's more than just hypocrisy for progressives or liberals, WHOEVER to trash the Christian right but still champion political correctness concerning Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, whatever. It is a sweeping generalization, which we also call stereotyping, which in turn can have catastrophic results.
Anti-Semitic newspapers can have cartoons of the devil Jew with horns and a fork set to take over the world, but a cartoon depicting Mohammed is enough to cause over 100 deaths, vandalism of embassies, and riots? That's called being a cry-baby.
I'm not Anti-Christian, Anti-Zionist (though the way things are I'm VERY Anti-Israel), or Anti-Palestine. I'm Anti-Asshole.

PPS - By the way, Ehud Olmert is under investigation for bribery and corruption. I really hope this doesn't come as a surprise to you. He was the one who let it slip in a 2006 interview that Israel has the bomb. Based on the logic presented to you in my PS, it's safe to say I'm Anti-Olmert.

1 comment:

m@ said...

I'm anti-anyone who would corruptly deal his country's dignity away while at the same time arranging for a prisoner of war swap for men who are almost surely already dead. All in the name of good p.r.