Meditations On My Final Year As An Undergrad

Be sure to check out the exciting conclusion to my New Orleans trip, just below this entry.

Ok, so here goes.

Dear World -
I've been in a major funk until recently. Things didn't look good for a while, as I found myself losing friends, alienated by the ones I still had, alienated from my partner, disillusioned from my family, at odds with a man I once called my mentor (who by his own admission was/is anything but), the piece of shit car I was driving was on the verge of bursting apart at the seams, I was stuck in a depressingly dead-end job, and with no certainty regarding my admittance to graduate school.

I hid behind a beard and a mean disposition. If it ever seemed like I was taking it out on myself or anyone near to me who truly had the best of intentions, then I apologize. There was a stretch where it got increasingly hard to wake up in the morning, knowing nothing of note would happen in the ensuing day. It also got harder and harder to care.

It took a new car, admission into a graduate program, a successful conference presentation, my final review with the IMP committee, and a series of long talks with Shelley about things that brought me to where I am now:

Note I'm no longer sporting that mid-1970's Neil Young beard. I can't ever see myself being the kind of guy who shaves down to being a baby face on a regular basis. Yes, I will shave clean for my wedding, Shelley's brother's wedding, and others. But I like stubble. It looks good on me.

With one moderately difficult final behind me, all my projects done (hence the gap between entries, including a 40 minute mini-documentary on The Kinks), and an easy final and an intermediately difficult final tomorrow, I can say I'm ready. Shelley's grandparents, who we'd speculated would be a little more sympathetic towards our relationship, are apparently not huge fans of the idea of us. So instead of everyone meeting for what would be a very uncomfortable "Ok, we just sat on our asses for two sweaty hours at graduation, can we PLEASE just go eat?!", we've arranged that our parents meet Friday night before the bustle of graduation day on Saturday. We'll see how that goes when we get to it.

Things are starting to look good. Like old Neil, I'm finding myself emerging from the ditch. Neil's experience is far more harrowing than mine - he experienced the death of two friends - at least on paper. In discussing our life stories, Joseph told me that what more people should understand is that suffering and turmoil in one's life is not something that should be treated like a big fish story. There shouldn't be any one-upping, where the guy who was sexually molested by his scout leader's tale has more credence as a tale of genuine suffering than the boy who was marginalized by his peers for being too smart for his age.

Here I am, now, thinking to myself, maybe a life without regrets is impossible to achieve. Besides that, how much of an existence would you have if you didn't sport a few regrets here and there? I'm now finding myself thinking about things I wish I had or hadn't done. This school year has been a truly formative experience for me. Hell, this past calendar year...can't forget the events of last summer. Shoot, be fair, let's go back to January 2008, when things just got strange, to the present.

Damn, it really did last as long as Neil's visit to the ditch. How about that.

I lost two friends to their drug habits, one to his own ego, and another simply because I'd grown tired of him. The first two? They're long gone as far as I'm concerned, bound to never change until life bites down but hard. That third one? We've rekindled our friendship, though some of my long-running sore spots are still there. I've let his main offense go. And in the fourth instance, he's gladly let me back into his life as a friend. I'm happy for it, but I've noticed my own tendency to keep a distance.

That's just the surface. I almost lost Graham due to Kieth being such a liar. Another friend I feel I've lost is the result of their own attitude and failure to better themselves in a society conducive to upward social mobility. I blame them as much as I blame their significant other being a rock around their neck.

"Time wounds all heels." - Groucho Marx

Can I say I truly don't have any regrets from this year? I wouldn't be where I am now. So...maybe I don't have any [major] regrets. I say major because there's always those minor regrets - "I should have ordered the chicken, this pork is terrible!" - and while I ideally wish things had gone differently I feel wiser and stronger as a person. Less brittle, more mature, less shy, more assertive, less paranoid, more confident, less fragile, more resilient.

If I was able to handle this past year, I'm ready for anything. Even future in-laws.

Alex

Let's end this entry the same way I entered into this phase of my life. I had a quote from this song as the sub-header for this site for quite some time. I don't think anyone noticed at the time, but it was a veiled celebration that Shelley and I were back together, that it was getting better, getting better all the time (and then, followed up by Lennon's lyric of "It can't get no worse," although by the time it was all said and done it, in fact, could get worse. Theoretically, that IS a double negative...)

Ladies and gentlemen, THE BEATLES! (Lyrical emphasis mine)


I used to get mad at my school (No I can't complain)
The teachers who taught me weren't cool (No I can't complain)
You're holding me down (Oh), turning me round (Oh)
Filling me up with your rules (Foolish rules)

I've got to admit it's getting better (Better)
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
I have to admit it's getting better (Better)
It's getting better since you've been mine

Me used to be angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand
You gave me the word, I finally heard
I'm doing the best that I can

I've got to admit it's getting better (Better)
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
I have to admit it's getting better (Better)
It's getting better since you've been mine
Getting so much better all the time
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better

I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can (Ooh)

I admit it's getting better (Better)
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
Yes I admit it's getting better (Better)
It's getting better since you've been mine
Getting so much better all the time
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better
Getting so much better all the time